Murder

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find 

the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me!

Tibet

I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.

drugs

• “My school had a big problem with drugs… especially Class A.”

jump leads

A drunk walks into a bar with a pair of jump leads around his neck. 




The barman says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

road worker

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.


But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Tax or Fine

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. 



A tax is a fine for doing well.

Christmas Cracker Jokes

What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?

The One Show

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

Because he has private elf care

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger.

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Because they were two deer

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Because their days are numbered

How do you know if Santa's been in your garden shed?

You've got three extra hoes

MP's

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! 

Grumpy

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Age

 Few women admit their age; few men act it. 

shinbone

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

diarrhea

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Kleptomania

'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.'

Custard

'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.'

Fire

'My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.'

Tax

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.