Tomato

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

pessimist.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

bubble wrap

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.
"Just pop it in the corner," he said.
It took me three hours.

Atheism

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

Merger

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. 

swearing

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Earth

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. 

Marx's tomb

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

amnesia

I had amnesia once - or maybe twice? 

blind dates

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. 

Conjunctivitis

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”

Inland Revenue

Inland Revenue: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

revenge

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. 

Christian

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

atomic war

In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.

METRIC

If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would've had 10 disciples not 12. 

flying saucer

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

Nobel

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Ham and eggs

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Gambling

I bet you I could stop gambling.

flea circus

A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

mouse

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.