Complaining

Today everyone complains!

My friend has just lost both his legs and his voice!

But he is not making a song and dance about it!

London Marathon

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'

Kermit

Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. 
They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

Elvis

I have been trying to get tickets to see an Elvis tribute band, but when I phone it keeps saying press 1 for the money 2 for the show!...

Mafia

I used to supply filo faxes to the mafia!

I was involved in really organized crime!

Splinters

I get a lot of splinters, hopefully i will not get any more, touch wood!

Sausages

I was sat there grilling sausages, saying OK what is your name? where do you come from?