Rice

One Xmas one of my relations gave me a packet of rice as a present.

I just said "thanks Uncle Ben"!

Meals

I opened the door and was hit by egg and bacon, then I opened the cupboard and got covered in spaghetti!

I didn't know where the next meal was coming from!

Bottles

My dad collects empty bottles!

Which is so much better than saying he is an alcoholic!

Kids

My wife and I decided we don't want kids so if anybody does we can drop them off tomorrow!

Train Spotters

What's the deal with train spotters?

Today I counted 141 of the losers!

Parents

I have mixed race parents.

1 likes the 100 metres the other likes the mile!

Evesdropping

Recently I have been attending meetings of eavesdroppers anonymous, not that they knew!

Lard

My grandfather became ill so we covered him in lard, after that he went downhill very quickly!

Kebab

My dead father was a kebab producer, we buried him with all his equipment.

He's probably turning in his grave right now!

Xmas

The most peaceful Xmas I ever had was when my mother mistakenly covered the Xmas cake in Temazepan

Schizophrenia

My father's schizophrenic but he's good people!

Lifts

I am always breaking wind in lifts, which I know is wrong on so many levels!

Frisbee

I was stood in the park one day thinking why does a frisbee get bigger when it gets closer?

Then it hit me!

Nostalgia

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

skydiving

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Indecisive

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Marriage

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Life

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.