Money

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

pessimist

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ugly People

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Women

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Shinbone

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Password

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

Dolphins

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Slinkies

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Credit

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Diarrhea

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

The Second Mouse

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Mother

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Men and Women

Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake a whole relationship.

Pizza

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Grandfather

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. 

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Politicians

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.