Barbie

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Kids

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Driving

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

War

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Camping

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Tiger

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Fog

BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.

Politics

Politics - Poli = Many , 

Tics = Blood sucking parasites

Old musicians

Old musicians never die. 

They just decompose

Bad tempered

What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.

Red Indians

How do we know the Red Indians were the first people in North America? 

They had reservations.

Girls night out

I went on a girls' night out recently.

The invitation said 'dress to kill'. 

I went as Rose West.

Complaining

Today everyone complains!

My friend has just lost both his legs and his voice!

But he is not making a song and dance about it!

London Marathon

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'

Kermit

Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. 
They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

Elvis

I have been trying to get tickets to see an Elvis tribute band, but when I phone it keeps saying press 1 for the money 2 for the show!...

Mafia

I used to supply filo faxes to the mafia!

I was involved in really organized crime!

Splinters

I get a lot of splinters, hopefully i will not get any more, touch wood!

Sausages

I was sat there grilling sausages, saying OK what is your name? where do you come from?

Rice

One Xmas one of my relations gave me a packet of rice as a present.

I just said "thanks Uncle Ben"!

Meals

I opened the door and was hit by egg and bacon, then I opened the cupboard and got covered in spaghetti!

I didn't know where the next meal was coming from!

Bottles

My dad collects empty bottles!

Which is so much better than saying he is an alcoholic!

Kids

My wife and I decided we don't want kids so if anybody does we can drop them off tomorrow!

Train Spotters

What's the deal with train spotters?

Today I counted 141 of the losers!

Parents

I have mixed race parents.

1 likes the 100 metres the other likes the mile!

Evesdropping

Recently I have been attending meetings of eavesdroppers anonymous, not that they knew!

Lard

My grandfather became ill so we covered him in lard, after that he went downhill very quickly!

Kebab

My dead father was a kebab producer, we buried him with all his equipment.

He's probably turning in his grave right now!

Xmas

The most peaceful Xmas I ever had was when my mother mistakenly covered the Xmas cake in Temazepan

Schizophrenia

My father's schizophrenic but he's good people!

Lifts

I am always breaking wind in lifts, which I know is wrong on so many levels!

Frisbee

I was stood in the park one day thinking why does a frisbee get bigger when it gets closer?

Then it hit me!

Nostalgia

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

skydiving

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Indecisive

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Marriage

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Life

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Money

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

pessimist

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ugly People

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Women

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Shinbone

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Password

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

Dolphins

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Slinkies

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Credit

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Diarrhea

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

The Second Mouse

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Mother

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Men and Women

Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake a whole relationship.

Pizza

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Grandfather

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. 

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Politicians

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.